Hopefully

Recently I have been feeling very happy and calm with myself. I mean, obviously I'm stressing out about my fast approaching exams but besides that, I've been in a pretty good mood. Over this -much needed- two week break from school, I have accepted/admitted to myself that I've been wrong about lots of things and I've managed to convince myself that I do not need to think about a certain horrible person and I simply cannot let thoughts about him control my life. Obviously I've still been emotional about him and other stupid things but not as much as I used to and to be honest, that's a real achievement for me. I just need to slowly stop referring to what happened to me in every bloody conversation as I can tell it is driving my friends insane (and no wonder!) and if that stops then hopefully, I'll have overcome the terrible incident and be normal again. Of course I don't expect to never think about it, I just hope I think about it a lot less.

As I allow myself to meet new people and experience new things, I am becoming happier and happier because those new friends and experiences are exciting and fun. (despite some friends and family being slightly unhappy with my decisions, although they were right and I did put myself in a lot of -potential- danger but everything turned out alright so it doesn't matter now).

I now realise I have no idea where this is going or what else to write.... I am terrible at endings so, yeah.. the end?

The Truth.

This is all getting too much for me. 

First a guy in my year sexually assaults me, 

then I have to deal with him every day at school and in class, 

my parents don’t even try to be sensitive about it,

I always feel sad and alone and weak and stupid and pathetic, 

my friends (not all of them obviously but some) make me feel even worse when I tell them what’s wrong so I just try and hide it now, 

I started self harming but not hard enough to break the skin 

although it really fucking hurts 

because I deserve it because everything the guy did to me is my fault, 

I’m struggling with school a lot because I can’t concentrate 

and i’m really stressed about the fact I’m probably gonna fail all my exams and I’m falling behind with lots of the work because I’m a thick idiot, 

I want to run away and never come back 

because its not like anyone will miss me

and now I cut my wrist with a razor 

and it still hurts after an hour and there was blood 

and I’m just so so fucking ashamed of myself 

and everything I’ve been through and have become. 

I don’t want to be here anymore. 

It’s horrible and I can’t cope at all.